..and now the end is near...

... I DID IT MY WAY!!
Went for my last chemo infusion on Monday, December 28, 2009. I informed the oncologist I wasn't going to go the next four rounds of Taxol. She understood, but I don't think she was totally on board with me. My feeling is, we are not shrinking a tumor, that was taken care of with surgery...why do I need any more 'preventive medicine' that's making me feel like a slug. I will do five weeks of radiation in a month.
My 'girls' came with me on Monday..Patty L., Vicki, M.A., and Patty C. We had holiday treats and of course a Scrabble game ...4-way! I was winning and Patty L. went out and took all of the points with her! I was there for five hours, but the time flew by with my girls. I LOVE THEM ALL, I am so lucky and blessed they are following me on my journey.
Monday night, Mary Lou J., and M.A. came over and M.L. trimmed up my wig to make it more 'me-like'. Added a bit of curl and I feel oh so much better in it. Won't love wearing it any more, but at least I don't think I will feel as conspicuous.
I am going to try to get out this morning and get a few errands done. I need to do some 'real' food shopping, not just send Barry out with a list. I am feeling ok this a.m. I stayed in bed until after 8:00 a.m., so I am pretty rested. Will try to get some breakfast in me, take a shower and get O-U-T!!

..the rush is over

Well, the holiday rush is over. I have been in bed all day (Sat.) missing the sales and the holiday-after rush. I attribute most of my fatigue to a head cold I have had for over two weeks. Monitoring my temperature so that doesn't become an issue. No energy, no strength and still one more infusion to go on Monday. After much discussion with family, I have decided to forego the next round of chemotherapy drug, Taxol. I feel I have put my body through enough trauma to last me a life time. We are not shrinking a tumor here, so I am confident that having gone four rounds of these two drugs, I am done. I will discuss this with my oncologist on Monday. Hopefully she will be on board with my decision. I think it's time to think about what is good for ME..not what I have to look forward to in five years. A lot can happen in that length of time and I am hoping with the power or prayer and good living habits, I can be cancer-free in five years!
I am so tired of not feeling good, of being limited as to what I can do and for how long. No appetite, issues with 'bathroom' that never seem to go away and just how I look. Not meaning to sound vain, but I hate my wig, don't feel comfortable in it and can't bring myself to going the 'scarf route' either.
If I have to do radiation, so be it. My one concern about the Taxol is the neuropathy. I'm scared that with my sciatic nerve, one day I could fall down the stairs or not be able to balance. This is a frightening thought.
Let's pray that I am making the right decision and that the oncologist is on board with my decision!

......temperature's rising

What started off to be what I THOUGHT might be just a mix of surgery and chemo within a couple of days, turned out to be more. On Monday night, December 14, I spiked a temp of 100.6. When you're a cancer patient, that's not a good thing. Called the oncologist and she advised me to get to the ER to be checked out. Of course everyone and their grandmother is there, so of course I had to wait in line for my turn! Had my vitals taken, my temp was down to 99, but as a precaution I was taken to a room (NOT with a view!) in the ER and given IV fluids. At 11:00 p.m., I was told I was going to be admitted but there were no available rooms. Sent Barry home, and I spent the night on a 2x4 gurney which was hell on my back/legs! Tuesday morning I was transported to a floor(AND a 'room with a view'!) and had blood work and more IV fluids. My oncologist came in that evening and said that I was anemic, dehydrated and run down. Hm....I guess that's what cancer does to you! They used my port for all the IV's so at least we know that's working. Thought I would go home early Weds. morning, but when they put yet ANOTHER IV fluid bag on, I knew it would be a while. Around 3 p.m. the case worker came in and said I could go home...YAY! My nurse's were wonderful but there's "NO PLACE LIKE HOME" and your own bed...no one coming in at midnight to 'take your vitals'...so I am home, slept like a baby and feel a little stronger today. Opted to STAY home, it's 15 degrees and windy and I'm sure FREEZING out there so I will just kind of putter around the house while I have a little strength and NOT overdo it, but get things in order...Christmas is a week away!!
Felt really bad I couldn't be 'hostess' to my sister when she was here..but I know she understands. This bump in the road is getting narrower with every turn!!

to port or not to port

Well, today I went in for round #3. My sister Elaine was there with me for my visit with the oncologist and asked 'all the pertinent' questions so she could better understand what it is I am going through. Get to infusion area and it was decided that I was way too sore to have them use the port this time around. It is very swollen and sore, but the nurse and doctor are confident it's all part of the process and by December 28, I should be fine to use it. More invasions in my body.
I met a wonderful woman who was in the cubicle next to me and alone, so we chatted for a bit. It's always good to chat with someone who is going through what you are going through to get a better idea of what it is to expect. Unfortunately for Mary, this is her second time around with BC. She opted for a mastectomy this time in hopes of getting it all and being DONE! Can't say as I blame her. I'm just beginning this journey, Mary has lived it twice.
Elaine is here and has taken over my kitchen cabinets. Now if it's one thing I am NOT and that is a 'hoarder'...but I suppose that looking at what I have in plastic containers and the like, maybe I do need to chuck a few things....so I will give her that much satisfaction, but HOARDER? No. I have to draw the line on that one after viewing a show on them...creeps me out!
Now I will go and take a bit of a nap.

...oh port!

Woke up to what looks like a major n'oreaster today as far as snow. Guess it's not, but I am sure glad I am NOT in it, driving or otherwise.
Had the port placed in yesterday (December 8) OH my. It hurts like you read about. I called the doctor last night after getting no relief from pain meds. He told me to add a couple of Advil with it...just to get me to SLEEP! Being a side sleeper doesn't help as neither side is comfortable. Iced it down and was still up every hour. Finally had to get up at 5:30 a.m., take a pain med and go down and get something in my stomach. Had only had a bite to eat after I got home from the hospital at noon. Decided to head back to bed this morning and see if I can't get a bit of shut-eye. Does anything get easier in this journey? Need my strength to get up tomorrow morning for round three. All part of 'the plan'...such a plan I never intended happening!

...back to the OR

Well, it's back on the operating table in the a.m. Need to have a port a cath put in and Susan has offered to get up EARLY (6 a.m.) and get me to the hospital on time! They've told me it's about a half hour procedure and I should be in/out and home by noon. That's good IF they are on time getting me to the OR! Figured Weds. will be a wash for me, so I'll stay home the remainder of the week and back for round 3 on Thursday at the Cancer Center. Can't believe how many friends and family want to BE THERE and help out. Makes my life and Barry's a lot easier to have offers of rides to/from hospital and Cancer Center. THANK YOU ONE AND ALL!!
HATE my itchy head..ugh. Wish I could bite the bullet and just go with a kerchief on my head each day. Just not ready to take that step yet. It's not vanity, it's just that 'stigma' of "SHE HAS CANCER LOOK"...ick.
Let's hope this next phase will make things easier at infusion time and not be a pain for me!! Stay tuned!!

testing 1-2-3

It's Friday morning...early. MY DAY OFF and I'm off to the hospital for tests. Saw the surgeon on Thursday and it's determined that I will need a port-a-cath for the chemo IV. WHEW! My arm was starting to look like I was doing drugs! AND very sore. So it's off today to have another EKG; chest xray and some blood drawn. It never ends. I start to feel a little better and WHAM! Better get used to it I guess.
The first week with the wig went well. I hate it, I feel like EVERYONE knows I have it on, but for what it's worth, it doesn't look half bad. Everyone has been so supportive and uplifting to me, I feel a lot better about myself. I'm not eating like I should be, hate the metallic taste in my mouth, but know in order to keep my strength up, I need to.
Off I go....

...buzz away

Well, I did it. Had Mike come over and 'buzz' away what was left of my hair. I think he really enjoyed this!! In between the tears, I guess it was the smartest thing to do. Waking up with a mouthful of hair from my pillow wasn't a pretty sight! I didn't want to look at it right away. Just that last vestige of dignity gone awry.
Took a couple of days off to get myself back in the 'groove'. Put the wig on this a.m. and I guess it looks fine. TO ME it looks like a wig, to others maybe not so much. We'll see when we get to school today.

Just another phase of this rotten disease and what it does to your psyche.